The purpose of this essay is to dissuade readers from improving the sales of shoddy parenting courses (that place emphasis on the child’s intelligence rather than the parent’s own unresolved issues and poor parenting capacity) and to hopefully provide a different perspective on the idea of intelligence.
Perhaps attachment theory should be part of the plethora of parenting courses out there rather than the usual 开发你孩子的潜能 (unlock your child’s potential) 🙂 从小培养语言/数学天赋 (develop linguistic/mathematical gift from young)🙂 or some speech shit. The likelihood of a child developing a disorganized attachment is significantly higher than him being a genius; the emphasis on academics/intelligence appear senseless considering that intelligence is largely genetic and not something you can develop or nurture.
Disorganized attachment has a striking resemblance to BPD which in turn has a 10% death rate (from suicide), higher than the likes of depression and other mental disorders. Suicide is also the leading cause of death in youths (makes up 1/3).
Attachment style: typically developed during infancy.
Intelligence: nature > nurture.
It’s glaring which aspect you actually have more control over, so why do so many parents waste resources on something they have little to no control over (and—quite frankly—have a warped understanding of)?
Prolly because many of them loathe the idea of unfairness (when it is to their disadvantage). They enjoy the delusion of thinking that the effort and resources poured into something has a parallel effect on the outcome. Yet the idea of intelligence rejects all similar notions. So they’d rather sculpt intelligence into something else rather than to face the inequality intelligence carries with it.
It’s illuminating from how some people describe intelligence. “He might be smart at math but he’s a blundering fool in history!” “His English might be horrendous but he’s really intelligent when it comes to science.” Natural inclinations have little to do with intelligence. Faring better at something doesn’t make you “smart” in it. My earliest and most natural inclinations were toward numbers and you won’t even catch my shadow at math Olympiads (or whatever other math events meant for the “gifted”). My mother liked talking about my brother being “smart” and “gifted” in science because that was his best grade while totally ignoring that his “best” grade is really just another child’s worst grade. Intelligence isn’t a solitary component; it encompasses everything. My next example might illustrate this better.
I once had a teacher who had been with us for weeks sit me down because she wanted to have a “talk”. Quite a few teachers who had been with me for a while sensed that something was “off” about me. All they did was ask me what the hell is going on (without the hell) and refer me to school counsellors. She was the only one who—within minutes (I hadn’t even spoken) of sitting me down—gave me a scenario and asked if that was me. She was awfully right. But was I supposed to be like “lol you’re just a language teacher, how dare you speak about something you’re not trained in? Stop acting intelligent, cuz you’re not intelligent in psychiatry/psychology/adolescent development/and whatever else.” It’s precisely because she isn’t a trained psychiatrist that makes her intelligent. If a trained and experienced psychiatrist told me that, then he’s basically just spotting patterns in me, making connections to what he was “educated” on, and subsequently applying what he has learned onto me. It doesn’t necessarily make him intelligent, just... well-trained. At that time, she was new and had only taught me for a few lessons. All the other teachers who had been with me for at least a year made wild guesses that were nowhere close to the truth. She was a new teacher but she figured things out that quickly. I’d like to add that afterwards I had seen the same school counselor, psychiatrist, and psychologist for years, and no one could even tell or make a guess close enough. Yet she wasn’t even a “professional” or considered “intelligent in psychiatry”.
In classes, she could always make some what might appear to others as arbitrary associations. We once saw chess mentioned in the text and she started connecting the proficiency of the characters’ abilities in chess to their personalities. Unlike what many seem to think intelligence is about, she doesn’t just think within a singular framework (language, in her case), she thinks between them. She could easily connect chess to personality (psychology). Everything exists for her to be synthesized. “I’ve never played chess but I once watched Uncle Tom play. You have to sacrifice pieces to win. Naturally, someone who can’t bear to sacrifice even one piece can’t win. You can imagine that someone who knows exactly who to sacrifice and when would have a very calculating and ruthless personality.” This is how someone who watched a chess game ten years ago can draw so much insight without being “learned” or “educated” and is a manifestation of intelligence.
She’s also the type of teacher to be able to go “XXX is intelligent/talented/good. You guys can start reading her future essays if she consents.” while other teachers are still printing model essays from the top scorer of the cohort for each test. The former implies the ability to make inferences into the future with limited data while the latter simply demonstrates the ability to make reasonable inferences in the present. One can tell who’s good after two tests; the other can tell what is considered good for this test and what is considered good for that test.
Intelligence is not something you level up; it is something that determines how fast you level up. Life is unfair. We’re born into unfairness. Denying it will not salvage anything. Only when we accept the unfairness for what it is can we ever dream of mitigating it.
Parents sign kids or themselves up for stupid intelligence/creativity enhancement courses geared towards children because they want an unfair edge that will hopefully lead to success for their children yet they fail to consider that a fucking corpse cannot achieve success. The best unfair edge that you’re in the capacity of giving your child is decent mental health. You shouldn’t even dream of introducing your child to activities that may give an academic “head start” until you’ve given him an emotionally healthy or nurturing environment. The maximization of academic potential typically follows an emotionally mature and independent child. Don’t confuse the order.
I hope that the above suffices in convincing you that whether your goal is a fulfilling life for your child (or yourself) or to minimize inequality, intelligence prolly isn’t the best angle to attack the problem from. At least up till now, we haven’t been able to annihilate the unfairness caused by intelligence. The above only applies to individuals with average intelligence (we’re looking at an IQ of 90 here). People with an IQ that strips them of the ability to function in society are part of a different societal issue. If I fail at convincing you then I shall not try anymore because I give up at the slightest bit of perceived difficulty and am doomed for failure.
Last but not least, to end this on a more optimistic note, a child of average intelligence with a healthy attachment style and good emotional intelligence is more cut out for life than a borderline genius who sabotages himself with every move he makes. Why do we want intelligence? Probably for egoistical reasons and because we desire success. Why do we desire success and feel the need for an ego boost? Because we desire happiness. It’s highly fortunate that intelligence is not the solitary factor to a good/desired life. My brother is average in his intellect, yet with a good mindset and relentless hard work, he appears to be very satisfied with life. Obviously he can’t be the next Einstein just because he loves science and is better in science than his other subjects. But the thing is that he’s pleased and satisfied with life and all the improvements he’s making. Isn’t life satisfaction the universal goal? What is intelligence if you’re sorely unhappy? Not being intelligent doesn’t hinder you from life satisfaction but deluding yourself into believing that everyone is born with the same amount of intelligence that only manifests in different manners might just affect your chances of success because you can’t see your limitations and hence cannot work a way around it.
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